i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
