It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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