How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
