White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
