so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
