well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
