You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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