cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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