dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
