I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
