If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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