That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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