"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
