It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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