Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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