Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
