Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
