If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
