look no pants
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
