thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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