glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
