Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
