YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
