But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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