Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
