her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
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The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
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I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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