I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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