She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
