a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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