I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
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he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
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6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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