Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine