First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic