Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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