my phone cant type all the emotion im having
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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