I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
