also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
