Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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