dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
