i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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