i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
