Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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