just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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