Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
