you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
