We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
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One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
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You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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