She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
