Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
