Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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