Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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