sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Barsexuality is the new black.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
