tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
