Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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