i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
