I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Buhtt sex?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
