I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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