my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
