rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
This is the high leading the old right now
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
