I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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