just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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